After all, it's you, my pride, and me
I can't speak, whatever I can speak
ASHLEY, COMMANDING OFFICER.
So yeah, I'm about to take this blog to an unintentional morbid direction. Well, I guess it's intentional since I just pointed it out. However, the idea for it didn't start that way.
As we get closer to the projected "end of the world", I've been doing a lot of reflecting, as it were. No, I don't actually think the world is going to end on December 21. With that said, though, I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I've become. I've been reflecting on all that I've accomplished and failed at. Numerous, countless, immeasurable failures and successes. Twenty-five years of life. Twenty-five, what a long/short life it's been.
So the question is this: If I were to die tomorrow, am I who I wanted to be?
So let's start.
Regrets and what they have taught me:
1. I regret that I didn't forgive my father while he was alive. I wish that I had been able to accept his apology and extend mine before it was too late. I've spent a lot of my life angry at him. For what? It has taken 25 years for me to learn that anger is detrimental to the person who is angry. It almost never effects the person who is the subject of it. And now, I will never be able to take that anger back...no matter how well deserved it was in the first place. This is perhaps the single thing I regret most.
2. I regret all the worrying I've done. For most of my life I've let worry and anxiety control me. Wether it has been grades, work, relationships, money, health or a scratch on the side of my car. I have let worry control me to an often detrimental level. There was a point in my life that it controlled me so much that I couldn't sleep, couldn't leave my house, couldn't trust my dogs with a caretaker, and would stay up all night to make sure the people that I loved most stayed alive through the night. I'm not kidding. I distinctly remember, as a child, waking up in the middle of the night to make sure my brother and sister were still breathing. Worry, like anger, is detrimental only to the person doing it. I often have to remind myself that "this too shall pass" or ask myself, "is this really going to matter tomorrow?", "will this fix anything?", "will this stop anything bad from happening?" I still struggle with mind numbing anxiety and I'm tired of losing countless hours to it. I regret the days I've already handed to worry.
3. I regret being "that girl." This may seem trivial to you, but it's something that will sneak up on me ever so often. I had a friend around my freshman/sophomore years of college. The friendship with this person began in my Senior year of high school. This was someone that was very important to me, I didn't realize exactly how important until sometime later. This person was truly the definition of everything a friend should be. I hurt this person in unspeakable ways, because I could not bear to be honest with myself. At the time I blamed it on "coming out of a long relationship" and the ever popular "it's not you it's me" scenario. I have not spoken to this person in about 5.5 years. The last time I "spoke" to him was through email. It was in this email that I apologized for being a liar, a coward, hurtful and an all around jerk. I'm not sure if this is something we all go through in our lives. I'm not sure it should be. However, it was truly a defining moment for me. I know that I'm being completely vague here, but just know that I was hurtful and heartbreaking. I often find myself missing this friendship. In the same breath, I've learned what it means to be on the giving side of pain. How easy it is to get caught up in your own selfishness. I've learned how important it is to be careful with the feelings of other people. Too little, too late.
4. I regret that I've been such a cynic. I have definitely developed myself into a "I have to see, touch, smell, hear and taste it before I believe it" person. I regret letting slip the faith I once had...in people, in family, in friends and in God. Some people may not want to hear it, and that's fine...we all have our own prerogatives. However, I honestly felt I was a better person when I put more trust in people and in spirituality. Life gets pretty old when you're constantly questioning the intentions and validity of everything. While knowledge is power, faith is fulfilling. This, is something I've slowly and painfully come to understand.
5. My final regret (for this project anyway). I wish that I would have carried out more of my childhood dreams. I know I've got loads of time for this, but sometimes I feel as if I didn't get to ANY of them. I'm working on photography now. What about the guitar, the abs, the trip to Australia, watching the ballet, meeting Hanson, swimming in the Pacific Ocean? Why do the majority of adults give up on these seemingly stupid things? I mean, how awesome would life be if I could say that I did all these things? I mean, there are a few that I've done, a few things I added a long the way. But darn it, I want to learn to play the guitar. I even have one! I think we should often remind ourselves what it's like to be a child, to accomplish those things we set out to do when we were 8 years old. I mean, I'm only 25, but in 10 years I'll only be 35. What then? What if I still haven't done these things? The only thing they'll do is make life more epic.
I challenge anyone that reads this to ask yourself the same question: "Am I who I want to be? What are my regrets? What have they taught me?"
Trust me, I have loads more regrets. For those who demand that they have none, I call bull. No life is perfect. We learn from regrets, from mistakes. Be thankful for regret, mistakes and learning.
I'll get part two up sometime before the end of the world. It'll be a bit more positive. Swear.
TOMATO, THE HUBS.
This weekend I went to Wilmington. It's the first time I've been up that way since Tomato came home from deployment. We had fun though. First we went to an "Ugly Christmas Sweater Party" then went to this little Greek place and ate some baklava.
I'm really learning to appreciate the time I have with my husband. Wether it's in a tiny Greek Deli eating baklava or in my living room watching The Walking Dead.
He is everything. Everything.
I've decided to shorten that. Just FYI.
Zero, is zero. I've never met a sweeter dog, and I've cuddled quite a few dogs. I was sad that he couldn't go with us to Wilmington this weekend. He hates the car. However, he and Alpha did pose quite well for this Christmas photo with Santa Paws.
Alpha did go with us. Last minute we didn't board them. Alpha loved his mini vacation and he's an awesome car rider.
Song of the Day:
Pride by Manchester Orchestra